So distant

So distant, so desperate for quiet, from all distractions
Too much of show, too much of giving, of pretending
For what is not there, the performance must end
Some days one needs nothing but stillness
Simple sweet stillness
Release of all desires, longings and passions

So tired of being "nice" for the "niceness" of it
There are days this pleasant demeanor
Would desire to be honest, to not care what response may come
To not wait on another who is slow or seeking attention
Some days this tired soul wishes to not submit to control
Away oh false friend for truly I am more of fiend than friend
I do not care for your troubles today
I do not wish to hear your babble
I would rather shut it all out
I do not wish to smile
I do not feel the joy I fake

I wish I did not oft care so how others perceive me
To be free to fully express all things
When sad or sorrowful to be so
And not have to pretend that all is "just fine"
It is not, but I care not to hear your concern
I crave this distance this solitude

Some days to be shut up in this shroud of silence
Tis a blessed gift
Darkness hides the fears and the tears I shed
None can tell the worries I dread
They must not see

What trust can I invest in someone
For fear they will trample me afoot
And all will be in vain
What a waste
To be raped of dignity
So ragged and bear
Is there no one
Who would care

At times these prayers
Seem null and void
Why bother
Though patience
Is oft not in me
I cannot bear to wait
For long

So come assurance
Come warmth and renewal
If thou wilt
For I cannot engage in pleasantries
I beg for some understanding
For a little distant hope
A breath of peace
To give some release
Of the worries of this day

Oh carry me away
Upon the wings of the dawn
Carry me when all my strength is gone
For truly there is nothing left
But this cold existence
This beating heart
And these short shallow breaths

O come
For there is nothing left
But this passing hope
That may save
Some

-Joshua Lee Foist